Assembling the Best 'Fantasy' Fantasy Football Team

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Assembling the Best 'Fantasy' Fantasy Football Team

Huge comic book dork growing up! Huge! 15 years ago I had to keep this "hobby" on the down low because (let's be real) knowing that Jason Todd was killed by the original Red Hood wasn't the pinnacle of coolness. Flash forward to 2012 and The Avengers is on pace to make a zillion dollars and we still have Batman 7 on deck. These days I fly my nerd flag hard. Anyway, while critically watching Avengers for accuracy I had a revelation. How I never made this connection is absurd but I finally discovered why I love fantasy football so much as a grown ass adult…I get to be the master architect of my own X-Men. Still to this day comic book fans worldwide are stuck with an ensemble of super heroes and super villains created by someone else. For example, if I had the power to create The Justice League no way Aquaman makes the cut, yet he's still around because 50 something years ago it seemed like a good idea to have someone speak on behalf of all the jellyfish. Horrible! Jahvid Best after another concussion provides more upside than Aquaman. Real talk.

With the draft being over and injury camp a few months away, there's not a lot to report on so I thought it would be funny to engage our readers and ask a simple question. If you could assemble your own fantasy football team from football movie/TV characters who would they be? Only rule is that you can't choose players that were actually real players portrayed by actors. (If you're a Philly fan, Vince Papale can't be in your flex spot because Marky Mark did such a great job feathering his hair.)

This would be my Legion of Doom:

Willie Beamen, QB – My gut reaction was to go with Shane Falco (The Replacements). Falco oozes confidence and hates quicksand; a guy I can relate to but then I remembered he played for the most annoying college football team ever ('The' Ohio State) and threw the Sugar Bowl. Can't, won't allow that type of integrity running my offense. I want a QB that's going to get me points in the air and on the ground and only one name rises to the top…Steamin' Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday). Is there any question that Beamen was modeled after Vick? No need to answer because this was rhetorical. There are a dozen movie QBs worthy and while I appreciate Paul Blake's reserve (Necessary Roughness) and Joe Kane's internal drive (The Program), I want swag leading my team! Plus Willie might have the best recruitment video of all time:

Honorable Mention: Varsity Blue's Lance Harbor before he blew his knee out and had a full ride to Florida State.

Megget, RB1 – Fast, explosive and plays bare foot. Granted he was a prisoner in Adam Sandler's unnecessary remake of The Longest Yard and was portrayed by the best eye band-aid rapper of all-time, Megget is still the quickest player on the field. Am I concerned he hurt his knee during the Mean Machine vs. Guardians game? Hell no, everyone knows that prison rehab is the best rehab. No distractions, a lot of working out and 23 hours a day to rest.

Tim Riggins, RB2 – Two words…Power Back! There's not a lot Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights) can't do. He catches the ball, blocks, north-south runner, doesn't fumble and only needs beer to heal. This choice is purely strategic because I'm not expecting a ton a yards out of Riggins, but what I do expect is all the goal-line work and at least 6-7 receptions per game.

Honorable Mention: Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday). The only knock against Washington is that he'll get absolutely no red zone action with Beamen looking for all the glory.

Rod Tidwell, WR1 – Yes, Rod is in the twilight of his career, but that's what makes him pure gold. He's got the heart of a young buck and $11.2 million reasons to perform amazing end zone dances: Some might fault him for being a tad prima donna-ish but that's easy to overlook when you're a fantasy TD slot machine. Just think Irvin, Owens and Ocho Cinco; all guys that have abrasive personalities but were Top 10 fantasy receivers during their prime.

Tweeter, WR2 – PPR machine and a perfect Wes Welker clone. Tweeter (Varsity Blues) exemplifies versatility, durability and natural football instinct. No fear, no condoms and no respect for authority, making him more gamble than risk. Plus anyone continuously refining their end zone dance ( has winning on the brain.

Rashid 'Hot Hands' Hanon, WR/RB – Easily my favorite Little Giant and for many reasons:

1.) Nickname was Hot Hands

2.) Wore #88 like so many other elite receivers (Irvin, Harrison, Bryant, Nicks, and Gonzalez)

3.) Not scared to go overboard with homemade Stickum

4.) Toilet Paper for days:

Brian Murphy, TE – Not a hard pick especially being the only TE I could remember from any movie. If you're not familiar, he was the deaf player in The Replacements who catches the game winning pass at the end of the movie which still gives me goose bumps till this day. Watch this scene at the 2:00 mark ( ) and try to tell me (for the first time in his life) he doesn't hear the entire stadium cheering his name. Plus he looks like Gronk making a super athletic TD grab.

Forrest Gump, Special Teams – Run Forrest. Run with that football and never stop. Roll Tide!

Lucy Draper, K – Former soccer player recruited to kick for the Texas State Armadillos (Necessary Roughness). She is accurate, precise and can drop 50 yard bombs regardless of weather conditions. Lucy's a pioneer and shows no fear whether it's a cheap shot by an opposing lineman or taking a shower with the boys.

Honorable Mention – Gus. A mascot turned kicker for the California Atoms. Oh by the way, Gus was an actual donkey.

I don't play in too many IDP leagues but if I did I would go with an all Linebacker squad.

Steve Lattimer (The Program) – I'll probably only get to play him half the season because the other half he'll be suspended for testing positive.

Bobby Boucher Jr. (The Waterboy) – Doesn't know how to quit and doesn't miss tackles.

Luther 'Shark' Lavay (Any Given Sunday) – You don't cross anyone who has no problem cutting your Hummer in half with a circular saw.

Becky 'Icebox' O'Shea (Little Giants) – Natural leader and has great football awareness. She can play any defensive position and knows how to stop the Annexation of Puerto Rico.

Instant Dynasty right here!! I challenge you to assemble a better collective than this.


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    Very cool article. Showing my age, I do have a couple of changes I'd make to certain positions. QB has to be Reno Hightower(Kurt Russell/"Best of Times") and his white cleats. When Reno put on the white cleats he was unstoppable! At wide WR, I would add 'Shadow' (Leon/"All the Right Moves"), he was the originator of the Randy Moss move of raising his "I'm open hand" as he left the line of scrimmage. He parlayed his motion picture skills on the gridiron into a starring role in a Madonna video(Like a Prayer). Honorable mention to Phillip Elliott(Nick Nolte/"North Dallas Forty") because that guy was a wreck and brought it every week. He could have been so much better too, if he didn't have freaking Mac Davis as his QB. Enjoyed the article a lot.

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    Walton Spurlin 05/21/12 02:48 PM

    I really enjoyed this article RDM - brilliant concept. If I could interject my defensive draft picks I'd have to bring in Dean Portman and Fulton Reed, aka, the Bash Brothers from D2: The Mighty Ducks. Who says that goons wouldn't make for excellent defensive ends on the field? And while I'm adding it, why not add in Julie "The Cat" Gaffney to team up with Becky "Icebox" O'Shea? The duo would be just as lethal as Patrick Willis and NaVorro Bowman were last season.

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    mrsmackanoo 05/21/12 05:35 PM

    Word is bond missmack u should take over this blog, cat left out the monstars on D son! I got king and the duck in the backfield and, that white dude from wild thangs as my qb. Jesus shuttlecock and neon on the flanks. Ya feel me

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    h8ter 05/21/12 09:59 PM

    Glad to see Bobby Bouchet made the D and Special Teams!!

    Loved the Article RDM. I thought it was going to go a different route tho in the beginning... I wanted to form an X-Men team using NFL players... and I wanted to go into discussion about their super powers.

    Maybe another article... a part II perhaps?

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    urbs0918 05/23/12 09:10 PM

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